Episode 17- Collision for Expansion: Transforming Conflict into Unity and Personal Growth
Aug 02, 2022
Wayne & Dallin Aston
Ever found yourself sidestepping a tough conversation, only to have it loom larger in your mind? You're not alone. Dallin and I take an unflinching look at the role conflict plays in our personal and professional lives, and why embracing it could be the key to unlocking growth. We swap stories and strategies, pulling from the sage advice of therapists and life coaches, to walk you through the transformative idea of "Collision for Expansion." It's a candid exploration of how direct confrontations, often seen as a negative force, can actually fortify bonds and lead to profound personal development.
Join us as we break down how to turn potential clashes into pivotal moments of unity and advancement. We tackle how setting clear expectations and upholding integrity builds a foundation of respect and high standards, particularly within the workplace. By sharing examples from our own journeys and discussing the pivotal role of perspective-taking, we offer insights into how you can navigate conflicts with grace and emerge with stronger relationships. This episode isn't just about facing the music; it's a masterclass in orchestrating harmony from discord.
Ever found yourself sidestepping a tough conversation, only to have it loom larger in your mind? You're not alone. Dallin and I take an unflinching look at the role conflict plays in our personal and professional lives, and why embracing it could be the key to unlocking growth. We swap stories and strategies, pulling from the sage advice of therapists and life coaches, to walk you through the transformative idea of "Collision for Expansion." It's a candid exploration of how direct confrontations, often seen as a negative force, can actually fortify bonds and lead to profound personal development.
Join us as we break down how to turn potential clashes into pivotal moments of unity and advancement. We tackle how setting clear expectations and upholding integrity builds a foundation of respect and high standards, particularly within the workplace. By sharing examples from our own journeys and discussing the pivotal role of perspective-taking, we offer insights into how you can navigate conflicts with grace and emerge with stronger relationships. This episode isn't just about facing the music; it's a masterclass in orchestrating harmony from discord.
Speaker 1:
Welcome back to the show, guys. It's Wayne Aston here, with Aston Incorporated, I'm your host and I've got Dallin back in studio with me, my co-host. How you doing today, dallin?
Speaker 2:
doing awesome. How about yourself?
Speaker 1:
I'm amazing. I loved what she said in the last episode. If I was doing any better, I don't know what I'd do with myself.
Speaker 2:
Love that, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:
Today we've got some great content, guys excited to drop this concept, which we're going to title collision for expansion. Okay, we're having an argument with somebody at work, or we're having an argument with our wife or we're arguing with our kids Okay, given some context for the listeners. How does this all apply? Collision for expansion? And I'd have you consider, dallin, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm eager to hear your reaction of this, but but, typically speaking, as humans, we don't love a conflict like we don't love a collision with someone.
Speaker 1:
Yeah right and and typically what happens is we as humans will Will, we'll get some negative energy thrown our way. There's someone's thrown a little shade and it feels like there could be an argument, and if we're not responding to it, then resentment's building up and pressures building up, and this is really common in the workplace. You know you, you have little things happening and pretty soon You're ready to explode on someone. And so, through lots of, lots of different amazing therapists and life coaches, I've been able to, you know, get a grip on this, this concept of collision for expansion. In my early days and we'll say that teens and twenties leading into my 30s it was my objective to avoid an argument at all costs. I did not want to argue, I didn't want to have a fight, and so I would avoid it. I would do all these things to avoid it, and I think most people relate with that.
Speaker 1:
Oh yeah because, just because it's so uncomfortable. But but what that caused for me and I can only speak for myself is Is a situation where I allowed resentments to build and I allowed myself to Spin stories up in my own head, stories that were largely made up of my own thoughts about. About Taking something someone's saying to me, interpreting it through my own Lens of my own perspective, and receiving it differently than it was intended, and then, but then, not addressing it. It bothers me, I'm feeling triggered about it, but then I don't say anything and I don't respond, and so I let it spin a story and a week later I'm like ready to go nuts on this person because I've made up this crazy story about the facts that aren't even facts.
Speaker 2:
Isn't even true.
Speaker 1:
Okay, not even based on truth. Could be just a small comment. All right, let's grab your knee, jerk. Are you thinking, have you? I mean, obviously you've experienced something like that, where someone said something you kind of let it go, of course. You let it go and it festers. Do you experience?
Speaker 2:
that, by the way, I mean like?
Speaker 1:
are you consciously, do you consciously experience like telling yourself stories about things and making them into bigger, like making a mountain out of a molehill?
Speaker 2:
Yes.
Speaker 1:
That's all I have to say.
Speaker 2:
Yes, he said yes, yes, I do.
Speaker 1:
Don't tell us, you don't do that.
Speaker 2:
You're a liar if you don't. You're a liar if you don't.
Speaker 1:
So okay, so we can all I think we can all probably agree that this is a common thing for humans. Not only is it common to avoid a conflict, but it's also common to spin stories up in our minds and then create circumstances that are way exaggerated, beyond what they needed to be or what they were factually, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:
That's all I'm saying. Well, and I think it is in more scenarios than just with conflict. It's with everything your mind just spins these stories.
Speaker 1:
We were talking the other night.
Speaker 2:
The mind's a peculiar, it really is interesting, right, we were just talking the other night where a little brother went up and hiked four hours in, backed back in and slept up in the mountains, put up a tent and I couldn't sleep the whole night because my mind was just spinning it was weird.
Speaker 2:
I've camped and I've hiked and I've done all this stuff countless times, but for one reason or the other the wind or the whatever it was being with Devin, I don't know, but my brain was just flying Like there's people out there, there's someone coming to get us, there's, you know, like, oh, it was weird.
Speaker 2:
The fight or flight, yeah, all these thoughts. Just your brain spins these stories when in reality we're just sitting there in the valley, we're just like, we're fine. And I think it comes into play here, especially especially when we get in an argument. If it can happen in a scenario like that, it'll happen, especially with someone that you care about, something that is a big deal to you, man, your brain just goes wild. Oh, yeah, right, go ahead. Well, I was just gonna say I think you know, when we're talking about a confrontation in a relationship for me, man, I sit there and I go well, gosh, and I've had this happen before. You know, someone says something and they don't intend for it to come off this way, but it does. And I say, well, you know, it doesn't matter, because I don't think they intended that way. But then that this is the problem. I don't think they intended it that way, but did they Right?
Speaker 1:
Well, what if they did the question mark in your head?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, the question is what starts the rabbit?
Speaker 1:
hole Right.
Speaker 2:
It's like they probably didn't.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
What's that Probably Like, did they? Yeah, and then that's where I found the most like. What am I trying to say? The most fabrication of reality occur in my own mind. You know, what they say is one thing, but then you know, and especially if you don't bring it up, if you bring it up, they might even say you know, I'll be honest, I didn't even, I didn't even think, I didn't even think about that.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Like I'm sorry, I just said I didn't even think how it would like. I didn't mean anything by it and it's like, oh, okay. But then there are other times where it's like, hey, when you have a conversation then it brings something up.
Speaker 2:
And then it's a bigger thing and you can solve it through the communication. But I think what we're talking about here is if you can have that conversation, if you can have that collision instead of just spinning stories in your mind, then you'll avoid the inevitable resentment that comes a week later when you didn't, and a much bigger collision. And a much bigger collision.
Speaker 1:
So this is a good. This is good. This is why I love the. You know the back and forth chemistry that we have with the show, because it's not just me sharing random thoughts. I love to pick your brain, I love to get your feedback here as we go through it, because it jogs other things in my mind. So you know, for the listeners out there, guys, obviously you have different categories of relationships and so when we start considering collisions with people generally, they're going to be totally different. Like I'll have an argument with Annie, that's totally different.
Speaker 1:
It would have a totally different feel and energy than I might have with you as my son, or with a business partner, or with a random dude in the grocery store or in the parking lot and we'll talk about a couple of those that have happened, but so it's fair to say that all the different relationships are going to impact the level of the collision and the nature of the collision.
Speaker 1:
But one thing that I'd have you consider and this is one of my all-time favorite quotes around the subject is Reproving be times with sharpness only when followed by an increase in love. I say that again, guys reproving be times with sharpness only when followed by an increase in love. So if we have a big collision and argument, the only hope I have for that being an effective move the ball forward is if, after the collision and the argument happens, we can hug it out, we can acknowledge our differences and we can have an increase in the love inside of our relationship. If we have an argument and a collision with anyone and that doesn't happen, there's this giant abyss that gets created of communication and it gets bigger and bigger with time. The more time that goes in between that that we're not addressing it with an increase in love, the likelihood of resolving that issue is lower and lower by the minute.
Speaker 2:
And I also feel like it only adds to that conflict Absolutely. Because if you think about it, it's like, okay if you collide and then there's no resolution in that sense, or there is a resolution but it's not followed through. What you're talking about here it's not followed through love, it's not. You know, you're not handling it that way.
Speaker 1:
Then that will most likely fester into guaranteed yeah, guaranteed it will fester Into a larger conflict later. It blossoms in and gives the mind all the latitude to bloom it into a giant problem, right.
Speaker 2:
Whereas in the beginning it was just a problem. That's right. That's right, yeah.
Speaker 1:
So now, what I want to have you consider is the value, because we've already established early on in the show that expansion is an obligation of God. We are required by God to expand to become the highest possible version of ourselves. What I have you consider is that collision is a part of it and that I'd have you consider that it could be healthy if we got good at collisions. Now, I'm not saying you're the bigger, meaner person. I said good at collisions.
Speaker 2:
Not the bigger scarier person, because you're gonna have collisions in life that you don't choose.
Speaker 1:
You'll have the circumstances right, and so embracing collision as a vehicle of expansion is almost like embracing that screaming child as an opportunity to expand your patience.
Speaker 2:
Interesting.
Speaker 1:
Embrace a collision, going into it, becoming maybe a heightened awareness around. Okay, man, I'm having a collision, I'm about to have a collision, and having a heightened level of awareness of what could possibly be the outcome, how could this be positive for me? Is this what I want? Is this what I want for them?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I like that you do that on, because it's like you also really consider and I'm just thinking this as you're saying it it's like it also is saying, well, what is this gonna mean for them?
Speaker 1:
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:
Right, and so you're thinking, how is this good for me? But you're also thinking, how is this good for them?
Speaker 1:
Has to be.
Speaker 2:
It must be approached that way, because if it's not, then it kind of contradicts everything.
Speaker 1:
It's all about me. I'm just fighting to get my way all the time. If it's all about me.
Speaker 2:
So it gives me this thought here, as I'm sitting here thinking about this. It's like man, what a great opportunity to have a collision, right, and that seems so weird. It feels weird coming out of my mouth, right, but you probably have some insight here. But it's like man, I haven't viewed it as such and in the past I've always said and communication is so important, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever relationship is, communication is important. But now we're talking about well, why?
Speaker 1:
is it important?
Speaker 2:
and how is it important, and I think we're talking about a level above. Just, you know, communicating it's, doing it well, it's being good.
Speaker 1:
Effective it's effective With an eye on an outcome. Right, Effective collision with an eye on an outcome yeah you're not necessarily just doing it to do it.
Speaker 2:
You're saying I'm doing it for a certain result, for a certain outcome that you're aiming towards and hopefully. Well, I guess the purpose of this is to together reach that outcome.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah. And then there's a lot of opportunity inside of this conversation to kind of eradicate some reactivity and replace it with some kind of more strategic focus. So reactivity, I mean, that's one of the worst things we can have. Emotional reactivity to circumstances is one of the worst possible things. Right, and so, being what I'm saying here, is getting good at colliding with people. I'll give you an example. You know, we have some guys that we work with and we're negotiating a few things about structuring a deal, and there's this thing that they continue to keep doing. Like there's a I don't wanna call it a full blown, I don't wanna label it as a full blown integrity issue, but it's like an integrity accountability situation where they'll say they're doing this thing and then they don't do it, like hey, we're gonna have this thing to you in like two weeks, and then two weeks comes and goes.
Speaker 2:
There's no communication. It's very irritating.
Speaker 1:
My whole team is like. My whole team is like elite level. Integrity is the fabric of what our whole company's built on and we call each other out on this shit Like we value each other and love each other enough that we won't let that go undone. So if someone violates that, this is just a loose example but it's irrelevant. It's a day example, like if they miss their deadline and they don't communicate it, we have the choice to just let it faster and be irritated with that provider over there that's not communicating, or we can collide with them in a tactful way with an increase in love, and try and come out of it with a result that could increase the cohesion across our two companies.
Speaker 1:
And we had one of these conversations the other day and Dave Williams, my right hand guy, senior advisor in the American spec companies he's a Jedi and we had this call and we had a collision and it wasn't a confrontation, it wasn't an argument, but it was an uncomfortable bringing it up and saying, hey, you know, this is what's happened. We really have a hard time tolerating this particular behavior. If we're gonna be working together, we really need you to be clear that this is what we expect and so flip that over to an employee-employer relationship. This employee is showing up late every day. Well, the employer I mean this might be, this might be a family member employee and they're showing up late every day and they're doing it because they know the employer is family and a little nepotism there and they might not, they don't fear a collision.
Speaker 2:
They do not fear a collision.
Speaker 1:
Then there's no clear line in the sand Now extreme ownership I can take accountability for not conveying clearly what I expect up front of that employee. So it's not really justified for me as an employer to go jump that employee and get all irritated and angry. But there's opportunity inside of that. So what I'm recommending is there's a pattern, this employee's showing up late. I'm gonna address it as soon as it starts to irritate me. We're gonna have a collision. That means we're gonna sit down.
Speaker 1:
You and I are gonna collide face to face and I'm gonna tell you this is bothering me. I can't tolerate this. Here's why and you know what I'll take some accountability because I didn't explain that or I didn't make that clear when I hired you. But this is the expectation moving forward, and then give them a few reasons why I hired you in the first place Because this and this and this and I really value and appreciate you, I really want you here. I really want this to be a long-term thing. I'm all about the relationships and I want that employee to know that. So the mistake or the pattern that was irritating me now becomes an opportunity to flip on the side and use an advantage to build a stronger relationship.
Speaker 2:
That is a powerful formula. I just wanna take a second and kind of summarize that what I'm hearing is a collision isn't necessarily an argument. It can be an argument, but it's not necessarily an argument.
Speaker 1:
No, it's not always an argument.
Speaker 2:
And oftentimes what I'm hearing you say is, oftentimes it's an opportunity to just express like look, we're trying to avoid this resentment, we're trying to avoid this huge argument later. And I feel like what you're kind of saying here is how to address a problem and issue something that can cause a relationship to be strained or there's tension or whatever. You're talking about a way to alleviate that and then increase cohesion, increase effectiveness in the relationship, in the business and whatever. And it's a pretty simple way. I mean, it's bringing up what is it and then you're explaining hey, these are what, moving forward. So you're saying what's the problem? You're saying here's the solution to the problem and then you're saying these are why you are amazing.
Speaker 2:
That's, it's a three step formula right, it's like that's pretty powerful, and I feel like that's applicable to any collision?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yes, it does, because I've had those collisions with partners where stuff built up and we have the yelling, screaming, swearing you bleeping mother, bleeping bleep.
Speaker 1:
But then we, so we get it all out and you purge your system. You have that like release the rage on your partner, whatever. So not all relationships can withstand that, but the ones that are really powerful. You can have that high level violent collision and walk out of the room hugging each other through that process. That's the objective is to be able to get it out, avoid resentment, be focused on an outcome and then get to the outcome. And so the objective guys with collision for expansion. The reason we're dropping the whole episode is because this is something that I would recommend is an ongoing thing. It's an ongoing part of our processes because the faster we can get through frustrations and resentments, the better we are. If things are prolonged. And why do we procrastinate? Because it's an uncomfortable conversation. That's why I call it a collision. I never wanna tell you why you suck and you do this, and this is pissing me off.
Speaker 1:
That's a very. I mean when you're getting ready to have that meeting, like your heart rates up and you're feeling sweaty palms and you're nervous, and you know no one likes that right. But getting good at embracing it and then doing it faster and faster and then recovering faster, that's a really critical piece of building a successful team and having a really cohesive family unit is to be able to have collisions and then get to that outcome quickly.
Speaker 2:
Wow, yeah, I like that a lot. It's definitely something that I would like to actively think about moving forward in the day to day. Cause it's something that I think about, like I said, the communication. I'm like, oh, I've always said communication, but this is, I think, another level of that, and it's like you can practice this daily.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you can and I wanna, on the daily because you're saying that. I wanna give the listeners a caveat that sometimes, until you feel really proficient at this collision, this whole collision process, sometimes it's best to say hey, I'd like to just pause this right now and come back to this.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, oh, interesting, and it's critical to say when. Hey.
Speaker 1:
I'd like to come back to this in an hour, or I'd like to come back to this tomorrow, because if you feel like you're gonna be triggered and you're gonna explode and you're gonna say things you can't take back right now, it's better for you to just push the pause button and ask for an extension and then prepare your thoughts and get more logical and clear and not let your crocodile brain, the amygdala, dictate this collision Cause. That's the negative aspect of colliding.
Speaker 1:
We're trying to take the emotions out of it. That's right. Yeah, you're trying to get to a logical, conscious, outcome-driven conclusion and that's why and so that's where you can get really good with colliding, for expansion is if you can prep yourself like you'll get to a point where you've got enough reps where you can do this on the fly you can recognize we're going in. Okay, man, this collision's happening. But this is so many different conflicts that are coming through my head I don't even want to bring them all up, but, man, we live in conflict.
Speaker 1:
We really do, and my ego has let me be the angry, scary one in most conflicts over the years that have been bad, that have been negative, because and I think most men I mean I think men listening to this show, particularly if you guys vibe with us already you're probably alpha males.
Speaker 1:
We have a lot of military sorts and law enforcement guys and some tough dudes, and so I think this could resonate that over my lifespan it's mostly been my propensity to just be violent, yelling and loud and swearing, and I'm just suggesting that through experience and a lot of training and therapy, this has become a more effective communication tool for me and it's really been a value to me in building my businesses and working through some serious family issues. Is this particular technique that we've been talking about, guys? So I wish today was one of those days we could get the listeners to chime in with their questions on this, because I think everyone's got some thoughts on it, but I've covered what I wanted to cover. I knew this would be a shorter episode than most, but it's a really potent, powerful tool to be using in business building and becoming an entrepreneur. Do you have any thoughts before we wrap?
Speaker 2:
this one, dallin, I can cover it really nicely. For me it's been super insightful to just have this conversation and I think it would be for a lot of people listening as well.
Speaker 2:
It's like man it takes, yeah, you just gotta communicate to a whole other level, yeah Right, and it's almost like, yeah, that communicate that whole that stigma, that stereotype doesn't quite convey what we're conveying here, and for me that's just really powerful and it's something that I absolutely want to apply and utilize and I think a lot of people could find a lot of value in that.
Speaker 1:
So I think we wrap it. Yeah, absolutely, let's do it Well. Thank you guys for chiming in. We hope you'll share the show. We hope you got some value out of it today and we'll catch you on the next one.
